


50 Shades of Darkness

by Smolfryz



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Angst and Drama, Army, Coffee Shops, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Military, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-02-25 04:48:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21670213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smolfryz/pseuds/Smolfryz
Summary: After coming back home from being deployed for the holidays, Rosa meets a young barista who she becomes quick friends with. What Amy doesn't know, though, is that Rosa is suffering from PTSD from major events in her life from the military. This sparks concern that she might not accept Rosa because of her mental health.
Relationships: Rosa Diaz/Amy Santiago
Comments: 21
Kudos: 117





	1. A Light In The Darkness

It happened again last night.

Why does it always happen? Rosa Diaz sat up in her bed, trying to shake what she had just dreamt. It was the same recurring nightmare she’s had since she came back for the holidays. All she could remember were the screams of innocents and the rapid fire gun shots while one of her comrades died in her arms. She can still feel the heat of the Iraqi sun on her, but it was her own body heat melting her skin instead. Rosa had to keep reminding herself that she isn’t there. She is back home in New York.

Rosa grips her knees tightly and takes in a deep breath to collect herself. It was nearly 4 in the morning and she couldn’t sleep. She was supposed to be visiting a friend today, a local cop that went by the name of Jake Peralta. He always told her to retire from the United States Army and help serve her community instead. It was an interesting suggestion because Rosa had grown up in a military family. Nearly everyone in her family had something to do with it. Her father was a Navy Seal and her siblings were all in the Air Guard. 

“I’m never going to get any sleep,” mumbled Rosa as she stood on her feet. She had been wearing just a beige colored under shirt with some black leggings, but they were always comfortable to her. Slipping into some black jeans, Rosa tries to get ready despite the lack of sleep. She never really needed it anyway. She recalled nights in Iraq where she had to stand guard for hours watching across a lonely desert when any minute something could go terribly wrong. It was something internal of her to be awake at this hour even though her nightmares were the ones that traditionally woke her up. 

Nobody really understood Rosa about her mental health and how much her time serving her country had damaged her. The PTSD she has, has caused many rifts in relationships she’s had in the past because no one was able to grasp the concept. Rosa was a lone wolf with a few friends dotting the world. She has a Japanese friend who lives in Canada and he was able to go back for the holidays this year too and she was glad for that. Rosa didn’t have to be with any family for a couple days, so she was able to wind down from a long flight home. 

The darkness of her room was eerily comfortable, and she wished she would at least be able to bring Arlo back with her. Arlo was her K9 partner. A bomb-sniffing canine who was good at his job and that dog was the only thing that kept her sanity stable while being in Iraq. Those dogs had boosted her morale more than any human being ever could. Rosa slips into her combat boots and casually drapes her dog tags around her neck before pulling a zip up military hoodie. It was getting colder and she was sure it was supposed to snow in the next couple days. Rosa didn’t know for sure because she never paid much attention to the weather or the news.

If she was ever awake this time of day, she would end up at a twenty-four hour coffee shop that was nestled in a little corner store a couple blocks from her apartment. The nightmares she had were still vivid, flashing endlessly in the back of her mind as a reminder of what she had gone through. It was pointless to try to stop it; like a broken record on repeat. She locks up her apartment as she remembers her belongings, taking her wallet, swiss blade and phone. She was in the mood for coffee - especially for some dark roast that would probably ease whatever intense feeling she had.

Needless to say, Rosa hasn’t wound down from her departure from her unit. She feels indifferent when she comes home. There isn’t a reason to sleep with one eye open and Rosa shouldn’t feel the need to carry a swiss blade with her, but she has that instinct. Rosa had been trained from the start of her military career to always protect yourself no matter where or what you were doing. She scrolls through social media, finding several notifications in her email about the VA. it was some coupon for the holidays. _Gee, thanks._ Rosa rolled her eyes at the measly 40% off on some of the gift certificates that was offered, but declined it immediately.

She didn’t care about any of that stuff. Rosa was never a materialistic person, but there were a few sentimental things she had kept from her bunkmates when she was in basic. All she really had that was of any value was her honor, duty and integrity and people still fail to see that about her because of her PTSD. She pushes the thoughts of military life to the far corners of her mind, trying to think about other things to distract her. That’s what she needed right now, a distraction from what was developing inside her mind at a massive rate. It was a chilly morning. The air was crisp, and the dew hadn’t yet evaporated from the metallic surfaces of the street. 

With a little sigh, Rosa shoves her hands down inside her pockets, glancing up at the neon sign that read, The Steam Room which had been the shop’s name for sometime after new owners had decided to rename it. It was still the same cute, 1960s feel. Rosa liked how comfortable it was with all of the booth seats and wrap around couches that made it more relaxing than anything. Even the coffee stayed the same and Rosa didn’t mind the name. It was quite cute from what she first initially thought. She opens the door and Rosa distinctly hears the little bell dinging to signal one of the baristas that there were an early bird customer.

A woman had been busying herself since 2am and she already looked exhausted. The place was empty around this time, and Rosa knew that it would pick up around 6am where people would start to crawl out of bed for the morning hours. At least here, right now, she could get some peace of mind. This place was like a second home to her when she came back from deployment. When Rosa steps up to the counter, she could smell something baking in the back room. It was delicious scent, sweet and tart and it made Rosa somewhat hungry for it. 

The woman is brought to attention and gives Rosa this smile that lights up the entire room despite the dark circles under her eyes. Rosa gives a smile back, but it was a weak one at best. “Hello,” the girl said. Rosa looks at the woman’s name tag catching her identity easily. Her first name was Amy. “Is there anything I can get you this morning?” She keeps the trained smile on her face and Rosa simply orders black coffee, dark roasted. She wouldn’t have it anyway else. They operated like a Starbucks, and Rosa gave her first name as the woman wrote it down across the cup in pen. “Rosa,” Amy repeated. Those brown eyes made contact with Rosa’s own and for a split second she felt her heart lunge forward. 

_Why does it when every time a girl smiles at me, my heart does that?_ Rosa knew she was bisexual for as long as she could remember, but had kept it quiet due to her military life. If Rosa needed a distraction, she sure has hell found one. She watches Amy from behind the counter make the coffee. It was simple, so she didn’t need to do anything fancy with it. Rosa decides to pull out her wallet to retrieve some cash, but when Amy spotted the woman’s military ID, she raised a hand and waved it off like it was nothing. “You’re military? Don’t worry about it. Any and all military members this time of year gets free coffee.”

Rosa wasn’t surprised at all. This sort of thing happens all the time, but after Amy had refused payment because of their special discount, Rosa goes ahead and takes out the $5 and places it in the tip jar near the register. “On me then,” said Rosa and she raises her cup up as a little thank you before taking a sip. Immediately, the feeling and taste of bitter warmth spread through her lips and tongue, making her whole body melt on the inside. It was definitely something she was needing, but she wasn’t expecting to be greeted by an adorable barista though.

As she heads toward a wrap-around couch near the back part of the coffee shop, she could feel eyes following her. It makes Rosa smirk to herself, knowing that Amy is watching as she sits down to enjoy this blissful moment that rarely ever comes. The flirtation was definitely noted, but there was no way Rosa would advance. A girl that adorable surely has a boyfriend or a girlfriend, so there was no point in trying to chase that. Rosa would be going back to Iraq soon after the holidays anyway, so relationships are obsolete to her.

After she drinks down a quarter of her coffee, Rosa is finally able to sink her back into the comfortable couch. It was an interesting piece of furniture, looking as if it fell right out of Beverly Hillbillies tv show, but it was very welcoming to Rosa’s stiff bones. She doesn’t know how long she would be staying here, but she may have to swing by tomorrow morning as long as Amy is working.”How is it?” A voice asked and Rosa glanced up from the magazine she was reading. She smiles at the barista, nodding her head with satisfaction. “It hits the spot.” Rosa replied with a little chortle. 

There was a look of relief on the girl’s face as if she was hoping for a compliment. “We have all kinds of home baked snacks, snacks and pastries if you would like to try any. My favorite is raspberry scones. We’re actually in the middle of making a fresh batch if you’d like to try one.” Amy was doing a remarkable job keeping Rosa already as a customer, and she didn’t have to offer her so many things up front. Rosa chuckles, taking another sip of coffee. “Is that what that delicious smell was? When I walked in, I thought I stepped foot into Hogwart’s kitchen.” The comment made Amy light up with giggles, for she was secretly a huge Potterhead herself. 

“Maybe I’ll try one another time. You’ll be seeing me a lot more since I’m home for a while.” Rosa said with a little nod. The look on Amy’s face expressed honest fascination. She wonders where Rosa had been deployed to the first time, but she knew she couldn’t take her break now for she had another hour before her turn. There were a couple of employees in the back that were aching to go on break now, so she knew she had to return to the counter to watch the place like a hawk. She was one of their most esteemed employees and they had trusted her to do the job properly and she was. Amy was not a fool, nor was she sloppy and disorganized. 

With a little smile, Amy nods her head. “Alright, I hope you enjoy yourself. If you need me, I’ll be at the counter for a little bit.” Rosa watches as the barista takes her leave and Rosa is smiling from ear to ear. It’s the first time in a while she had smiled like that about anything, let alone a girl. Rosa puts in her headphones, taking a crack at some plays of the day on her Spotify. It was then she realized something she missed when Amy handed her the cup. There was a little bit of extra writing near the bottom and Rosa noticed it had been a set of digits. Her eyes lift up to Amy who was leaning over the counter, seemingly bored already again due to lack of customer interaction.

 _Her phone number perhaps?_ Rosa entertained the thought for a moment. Did she dare send that number a text to see if it was true? She clears her throat, taking in a breath. How long has it been since she has done something like this? Before she was deployed, she had broken up with her girlfriend Alicia, knowing it wouldn’t last anyway. It was her fault that it all happened because her mental state was so unstable, Alicia couldn’t handle the fact that Rosa was tearing herself apart on the inside. She had been deployed twice since then and it has only become much, much worse. Would Amy react the same way? Every soldier had their own internal struggles, and Rosa was fighting her demons daily.

 _What the hell. What’s the worst that could happen?_ She decided to give it a shot and see. The worst that could happen is that she will text some random employees at the main office who may have more screws loose than she does. Rosa pulls out her phone and sends a quick text. ** _Hello? This number was on my cup of coffee. Who is this?_** There is a nervous feeling in the pit of Rosa’s stomach. It was the same kind of feeling she got whenever she was dispatched to fly helicopters over dangerous enemy territory. It was definitely a different kind of battle, but when Rosa looked up, Amy was smiling at her from across the room. She gives her a little wave and holds up her cell phone.

A little relief swells inside Rosa for a second. It was her number. Rosa smiles, watching as Amy began texting and Rosa waited patiently for a reply. **_This is Amy at the counter. I was wondering if you were going to text me or not. I’m glad you did._** That fluttering feeling in Rosa’s chest felt like butterflies were having a mosh pit. Anxiety began to spew forth, but Rosa was relieved that she knew someone else other than Jake now back home. Rosa sighs, and the two women begin to text each other from there on out for the entire time she had been there. It even became the point in time where Rosa ended up sending dead memes that still made Amy laugh. It was a nice sound and Rosa could hear from where she was sitting.

When Rosa came home, she had no motivation to function properly. Her mind was a disaster at best, and everything seemed bleak in that moment. She shouldn’t overthink things because who knows what might come of this newfound friendship, but Rosa has changed her opinion on this bedraggled little city, because Amy seemed to be the one thing to retain such light. Rosa finally finished up her coffee, taking her time to savor the flavor and ambiance of the large, open room. She stands, recieving a text from Jake that he would like to meet up later today. It was going on at 6am and Rosa was right about the place becoming a lot busier.

When she tosses her cup in the trash at the door, she looks at Amy for a brief moment. Even though her hands were full of people’s orders and making drinks, she still makes eye contact with Rosa and sent her a bashful smile. The soldier smiles in return, raising a hand to signal her departure and takes her leave into the cold morning air. The sun was just now peeking over the city and the sound of busy traffic and people were starting to flood her ears. The noise was a lot to take in, but Rosa found herself feeling like something had washed over her. 

It may last a couple of hours to a day or so before she starts retracting back to her normal self, but it was something she was going to take advantage of, here and now. Rosa is listening to a couple classic songs (Fleetwood Mac to be exact) when she spotted Jake standing on the corner of a street near the place he worked. “Peralta!” Rosa shouted as she waved excitedly. Jake was equally excited to see his best friend as well for it had been more than five months since they had last seen each other. 

Once they were on the same side of the street, the two friends collided into each other with a giant bear hug. Rosa actually lifted Jake a couple inches off the ground due to her muscle gains from the past couple of months which impressed the detective, to say the least. 

“I can’t believe you’re back in town!” said Jake with a big smile on his face.

“Yeah me either. It feels good to be home.” Rosa takes both of her headphones out of her ears and tucked them away safely in the pockets of her hoodie and the two friends took strides in the direction of Jake’s workplace. He was going to try and show her around, maybe even do a little ride along so Rosa can get a feel of his job and maybe persuade the soldier to shift careers and retire from a life of constant war. “You ready? I want you to meet my new Captain. He’s pretty awesome even if he’s a little uptight. I think means well.” Jake explains, shrugging his shoulders. “His name is Captain Holt and he’s by far been one of the best Captains we’ve had.”

Rosa was genuinely interested in Jake’s work life, but not for herself. She was simply happy that he was doing good. Hey, one of them had to be. She knew that some cops and detectives were in the same position as she was mentally, but that had to have taken years to build up on instead of just a few months like hers did. It was so rapid, like a disease that wanted to infect her entire body. “I’m sure he’s amazing. My Commander is pretty awesome too, but he can be a bit of an asshole. We call him the Vulture for that reason. He swoops in and takes credit for everything we do and we only get a little of what recognition we deserve when doing something for local communities where I’m deployed at the time.”

They talk and laugh about their jobs for a long time as they made their way to the 99th Precinct. Rosa was enjoying herself, but she was already starting to feel her energy begin to drain from all the interactions she’s had today. Her interaction with the barista was by far her favorite, but it was nice to meet some of Jake’s workmates as well. They were all good people and even the Captain was impressive. “Captain Raymond Holt,” he introduced himself and held out a firm hand. The man was emotionless and Rosa takes his hand in a tight grip and stands at attention to him out of respect. “Pleasure to meet you, sir.”

Regardless of what Rosa has taken from this day with these new faces and old friends that she came across, there were people who cared about her. Or she had hoped. She had to keep reminding herself that, because if she didn’t… she would be back in that same darkness as she was before that always threatens her happiness.


	2. War Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rosa and Amy go out for the first time as friends to the movies and Rosa is testing the waters with her feelings toward her. However, Rosa's anxiety flares during one particular scene in a horror film they're watching and Rosa has to finally admit and explain to Amy that she suffers from PTSD. 
> 
> Fortunately, Amy is there to comfort her.

It seemed Rosa had her good days and bad days. Today, seemed a relatively good one as she rolled out of bed. She was surprised that she had managed to achieve at least 5 hours of decent sleep and she could feel the difference in her mood simply from that. It has been several days since she had last been to the coffee shop, but she had been keeping in contact regularly with the barista she had met there. They had become acquainted and this was supposed to be their first time hanging out together outside of Rosa’s comfort zone. To say the least, it was pretty nerve-racking.

There was an evident flame that had erupted between them, but Rosa had admitted quietly to herself that she wasn’t ready for a relationship, no matter how much she desperately wanted it. Right now, with the way her mood flows, she knew it would be disastrous. This was a huge step for Rosa because it had been a few years since she had gone to a movie theatre due to the loud noise. It made her anxiety flare at the thought, but she is trying to maintain her composure at the thought of sitting through a two hour movie with a cute girl that made her feel pretty weak in the heart. 

“At least it’s a horror movie,” said Rosa quietly to herself as she straddled her motorcycle with a deep sigh. Rosa thought it was pretty clever to go see a horror specifically because if anything, she would be an excuse to get closer. She didn't know if Amy was a fan of horror or not, and probably wondered if she was going because Rosa picked it. If that's the case, this could become rather interesting. Rosa placed her phone up to her ear and waited until she heard Amy’s voice. “Hey,” said Rosa with a little smile as she muffled her other ear so she could hear better. “I’m on my way to get you. See you in ten.”

Rosa was wearing something a little fancier than what she normally wore which always consisted of combat boots, a hoodie and jeans. Today, she had been wearing casual light blue colored, button up dress shirt. It was different. Really different and the material made her itch slightly. Her hair was up in a messy ponytail (because let’s face it, the curls can’t be tamed) and she wore black dress slacks with shoes. She was probably overdressing, but she didn’t care. She wanted to look somewhat nice. One of the things that topped her attire off was the black woman’s blazer she was wearing that was rolled up to her elbows.

It almost felt like she was going to some fancy military dinner party and she had to dress the part for it. Even though they had already met, Rosa seemed to be trying to obtain a first impression because at least right now, she had been in a decent mood. When she arrived at Amy’s apartment, she walks up the stairs and rings a buzzer for Amy’s apartment number. “Hello?” said the familiar voice on the other side. 

That voice immediately made Rosa grin.

“It’s Rosa,” she said.

“Oh! Come on up. I’ll buzz you in. I’m running behind.” Amy says and Rosa could detect a little excitement in her tone. Rosa hears the buzzer sound and the door unlocks for her. Taking in her surroundings, Rosa noticed how clean yet old fashioned the place is and she began picturing the inside of Amy’s apartment. _Suppose I’ll just see when I get there,_ thought Rosa as she climbed the stairs to the third floor. When she comes across Amy’s apartment door, she pauses for a moment, half tempted to reconsider this whole thing.

 _No. Don’t do this. Just ignore the feeling._ Her mind was a mess. On one hand, Rosa thought this entire day would be a total shit show if something drastic went wrong - like if she had an episode, but on the other she knew she had to keep pushing forward. Rosa hated it, that those moments stopped her from living her life sometimes. _If something happens, so be it._ She only hoped that Amy would forgive her if she did have a panic attack, because it was quite possible that it could happen. 

As she reaches for the door knocker, the door opens and Amy is standing there with a smile on her face. Their eyes meet and immediately Rosa feels her anxiety flaring up and her back becoming slightly sweaty. She swallows when she sees that Amy is actually wearing something quite casual. It wasn’t what she was used to seeing since she was always caught in her barista uniform. “Hey,” Rosa says softly and puts her hand down back at her side. Amy welcomes her into apartment for only a moment because there were still things she needed to do.

“Hey,” Amy replied. “I’m sorry I’m running behind. I had to pay several bills and get things in order.” Rosa looks over at a long dining room table and sees a pile of bills stacking up. From Rosa’s first perspective of Amy, she thought that the woman had everything under control and that everything was organized. It seemed like that wasn’t the case when Rosa’s eyes mow over how much Amy owed. She shouldn’t have looked, but Rosa couldn’t help herself and the idea of Amy owing so much money seemed a little strange to her.

With a little satisfied sigh, Amy finishes up putting away a few clean dishes and slips on a long, button up coat. “You look good by the way,” she said as she slips her purse over her shoulder. Rosa smiles, feeling her cheeks dust with a light shade of pink and she bounces lightly on the balls of her feet. “No way. You’re the one who looks good. I looked like I just got out of a courtroom.” Rosa said as she opens the door for Amy and receives a light giggle from the girl. It makes Rosa’s heart do back flips, but she has to keep reminding herself that this wasn’t an actual date. It was something to do as platonic friends. 

It surprised Rosa when Amy became extremely giddy over her motorcycle parked out front. Apparently, she had never been on one and it amused Rosa a little to think she was going to start initiating Amy into the wild side. “It’s so pretty,” Amy said as she took her finger and touched the handlebars. It was black on black and Amy thought it had suited Rosa. “You sure know how to take care of it. I don’t see a scratch.” Amy said with amazement in her tone. Rosa steps over, grabbing the spare helmet from a compartment on the side and hands it to her. 

“Yep. It’s my baby and I would die if something happened to it. I work on it myself because I really don’t trust another mechanic,” explained Rosa as she slipped on her own helmet and raised the visor so she could see Amy in hers. They looked absolutely ridiculous, but it was safety. It was extremely important and Rosa knew this from several past experiences. Amy nods her head when she is ready to go and Rosa straddles the bike first before she begins to feel the weight from Amy resting against her back. 

The connection made her tense slightly as it’s been a long time since she had felt anything like that, but she tries her best to keep her composure steady. “Here we go. Hang on,” as soon as she said those words, she felt Amy’s arms tighten a little more due to the rumbling of the engine. The sun was slowly starting to grow old, but the night was still young with excitement in the crisp winter air. It wouldn’t take long to get to the movie theater and Rosa had already decided upon herself to pay for everything.

It was the least she could do since Amy had been extra nice to her since she came back home. “So, we’re seeing a horror movie?” Amy asked curiously as she looked at all the movie posters hanging in gold plated frames. The smell of popcorn and was evident as it filtered through the main lobby of the theater and it made Rosa’s stomach growl. “Yeah. Not a fan of them? We can always change it.” Amy quickly shakes her head and grins, pointing to the poster of the movie they were seeing. “I’m actually a big fan of them.”

She learns something new about Amy every single day. Even though it has been a week since they had met, Rosa is still gathering and absorbing all of these little things about her. “Well, that makes two of us,” replied Rosa with a little chortle. The curly haired Latina was glad that the movie theater was partially empty. There weren’t many about watching movies tonight, but there was a small line to see the movie they were seeing. To get their tickets and popcorn, it took a grand total of twenty minutes - and ten minutes of that was Rosa arguing with Amy about buying everything. 

“Come on,” said Rosa.”Don’t give me that look. It’s on me tonight.”

“Thought we were going to go dutch?”

“I changed my mind.”

“I feel weird that you’re buying everything, but I’m buying dinner.”

“Maybe,” said Rosa with a little grin. Hearing Rosa’s response made Amy groan slightly in frustration and roll her eyes. Eventually, she allowed her new friend to pay for the tickets and popcorn and her pouty expression was replaced with a smiling one when a few kernels were thrown playfully in her direction. “Stop it,” she laughed and shoved Rosa playfully. “You’re a dork.” A piece of popcorn landed inside the collar of Amy’s coat and she discovers it there, popping it in her mouth. Rosa was definitely a nice person and even nicer to look at and she could tell a lot of other girls felt the same way when eyes followed the soldier down to their claimed seats.

To Amy, it seems like Rosa didn’t mind it. Either that, or the constant stares are being ignored. She doesn’t even know if Rosa played for the gay team, but ever since Amy met her, she always felt that vibe right from the get-go. It was probably the main reason why she gave Rosa her number in the first place. She did want to know more about her, especially because of her military background, she would be willing to listen to some war stories - that is if Rosa was willing to tell them. 

They had about fifteen more minutes until the movie started, so the lights remained on for a little while longer as Rosa became acquainted with the reclined seats. “These things are amazing. I kind of want to get one,” said Rosa with a laugh as she kicked the entire foot rest out and crossed her legs. Movie theaters are getting more and more cushy these days and Rosa was surprised when she learned this particular theater had reclined seats and everything. They were quite comfortable and if she wasn’t careful, she would end up falling asleep pretty easily.

“They are nice. I bet they’re super expensive, though.” Amy says with an inquisitive look on her face. As the two girls chatted quietly with one another and commercial ads on the big screen died, Rosa noticed the lights dim and her excitement flourished. Things seem to be going great and she has no desire to flee and hide. She is simply enjoying her time with an adorable woman who is giving all of her undivided attention to Rosa. It was like one of those cheesy 90s shows where the couple goes out on a friend date, not realizing that it was actually a date-date. 

When the movie began to play trailers for upcoming movies, Rosa was making mental notes on each one she wanted to see. She glances over, looking at Amy who appeared to be equally fascinated by the trailer ads. With a little smile, Rosa turns her attention on the giant screen in front of them. The movie they were watching started out slow of course, and Rosa could feel the tension building up already. It was one of those paranormal haunting movies that Rosa had a guilty pleasure for. She takes a couple handfuls of popcorn and munches around on them as she observed the movie.

Every now and then, Rosa’s eyes would shift over to Amy to gauge her reaction. The woman was a steel wall. She didn’t seem all too concerned with the creepy vibe the movie was giving off especially the suspenseful music. Even though Amy was showing no sign of fear, there was one jump scare that got her. “ _Goddammit_.” Rosa heard the word being uttered under Amy’s breath and she chuckles. “It’s not funny,” whispered Amy as she gave her another gentle shove. The movie continued on for another twenty minutes without any kind of issue until a certain scene came on.

In this scene, the spirit that was haunting the house was a WWII soldier and Rosa had no idea that was part of the synopsis. She can feel her fingers curl up and begin gripping on the arm rests. Up until now, the movie was decent. It had all the aspects of a B rated horror film, but this soldier spirit was really getting under Rosa’s skin. It shouldn’t. It was just a movie, not real life - but the character’s backstory seemed to reflect a lot on a soldier’s time in the war. Especially, if you were active duty. A lot of people that Rosa knew that worked in the military has never seen action. They’ve never been to enemy lines, but she has on multiple occasions.

Rosa can feel her heart beating rapidly, but it wasn’t the same kind of beating she felt whenever she looked at Amy. This was fear mixed with a little heartache. The soldier is walking around, looking for his lost loved ones who might have already passed on. He was protecting the people of that house where another demonic entity was trying to harm them. That’s exactly what soldier does.They protect people and keep them safe. This was becoming far too much for Rosa, seeing the man’s scarred face, his tattered uniform and the expression of regret and guilt. She knows she’s having a panic attack, but she’s trying so hard to keep it together. 

It wasn’t even something that crazy, but the idea of seeing a dead soldier’s spirit walking around made Rosa tense at the thought of _’what if that was her’_. At any point, she could have lost her life, but she was one of the fortunate ones for some reason. Her mind was overthinking it, but in the end Rosa couldn’t handle the scenes much at all. “Excuse me,” whispered Rosa after she stood out of her recliner seat and made her way out into the hallway to get some air. It wasn’t a heavy panic attack, thank goodness, just a mild one she can control. Things like this always make her mind spin out of whack.

She is taking deep breaths and walks around for several minutes. It was cooler out in the hallway and it wasn’t as stale. Rosa knows she’s going to have to go back in there and face the ending of the movie, but what she’s really scared of explaining this to Amy if she happens to ask. Rosa bends over, grabbing her knees for a second, feeling as if she had ran a marathon. Her breaths are short and deep, but she is finally calming the rapid beat of her heart. “Rosa?” said a voice behind her. She raises up and turns to see Amy who came through the double doors. She can hear loud bangs and screams coming from the movie, but all it reminds her of is Iraq. 

“Oh,” said Rosa as she sighed with relief. “Hey, I’m sorry I jumped out there so quick. I had to get some air.” 

“Getting too scared weren’t ya?” Amy asked playfully, unaware of what was really going on with Rosa. She steps up to Rosa, letting the door swing behind her and tugs on the sleeve of the woman’s blazer. “You okay?” 

Maybe it would be okay? Maybe it would be wise to alert Amy as to why she behaves like this sometimes. That was Rosa’s worst fear. She doesn’t want another person she has come to like, simply vanish without a trace because of her issues. Rosa inhales and scratches the side of her head as she debates on what to say or even how to begin. “It’s hard to explain.”

“Try me,” said Amy and walks over to a bench that was sitting across from them. She pats it softly and Rosa stands there, feeling conflicted. “I’m a good listener.”

As Rosa moves over to the bench to sit down, she felt Amy lean over to bump her shoulder with her own. “A couple years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. All because of the two times I was deployed.” Rosa looks over at Amy, gauging her reaction. She didn’t seem all too worried or concerned which was a good thing in Rosa’s opinion. At least the girl was listening unlike most others she’s dealt with. “I’ve seen a lot of shit, Amy and you wouldn’t believe it if I told you. Some of it is too grotesque to even describe and it makes my stomach churn even just thinking about it.”

This soldier recalls all of the times she’s had to survive on very little. Food was scarce when she was even held captive for a while and was being used as a ransom as they tried to extract information from her. Eventually, Rosa had to resort to eating food that was conformed into mush, slugs and other insects to manage her protein intake and drinking collected rainwater in tin cans. “I was a POW.” As soon as Rosa mentioned that, Amy’s eyes widened with shock. She couldn’t imagine what it was like being a prisoner of war and being held captive. That was more terrifying than any horror movie. “Do you want to talk to me about it?”

Rosa shakes her head, not ready to go into that detail. She still has nightmares over it and this was only the tip of an iceberg of what she feels when talked about it with her therapist. “I’m okay for right now. I’m not ready to go back into those memories, but I do appreciate it that you’re listening.” Rosa rests against the wall behind her for a moment and closes her eyes. It was futile to try and forget the memories because they seem to be engraved in the back of her mind - always reminding her how she was the one that was able to survive. The guilt was eating her alive, and it was only a matter of time before she would fade into such darkness.

“I go to therapy several times a week and it does help to talk about it, but these wounds are deeper than I first realized,” Rosa explained as she stood on her feet. She cracks the bones in her neck before turning to look down at Amy. “I’m alright for now.” Rosa smiles as she holds out her hand to lift Amy onto her feet. “Trust me.”


	3. Taking Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a therapy session that almost made Rosa lose it, she decides to spend quality time with her family for the holidays and then pays Amy a little visit not knowing what's in store for her.

_“So, what’s on your mind, Rosa?”_

It was a question that has been regurgitated over and over to her, and to this day Rosa still didn’t know. Rosa walked through the events of her life in her mind for hours and days on end without much result from them. Raising her eyes from her boots, they are met with calm, concerning ones. This was her new therapist, Kevin Cozner. She didn’t know much about him, but he had been suggested to her when she came back home. Of course, he was just a regular therapist - not a military assigned one. Rosa didn’t think he knew anything about war or what actually came along with it.

He seemed to be trusting and patient, and that’s all that Rosa needed. “Well,” began Rosa as she placed her hands on her knees and checks the time. Even though she had just got there, she was itching to escape somehow. “Don’t worry.” Kevin assured, “this is strictly between us. Nothing said leaves this room.” He pulls out his clipboard and binder of sorts that had all of Rosa’s medical records. She has never really seen them herself, so not even she knew what was actually wrong with her mentally aside from the past traumas. Rosa nods her head, and listens to the clacking noise of the onyx colored pendulum that was sitting on Kevin’s desk.

“I keep having recurring nightmares when I was a door gunner.” Rosa clears her throat as she tries to pick through the memories that were the most harmful to her, even if she really didn’t want to. She knew she had to in order to face this properly and allow herself to heal. “We just arrived behind enemy lines, and when the door opened… immediately gunfire just… _went off_. I hopped on one of the turrets and began to fire back.” Rosa could feel her insides beginning to twist and churn from the vivid detail in her head and it forces her eyes closed, but it just makes things so much worse.

Rosa shakes her head and runs her fingers through her dark, thick curls to try and gather herself. She couldn’t relive that. Kevin was just doing his job, but no one should know what happened during the time she was captive - how she was captive. She was a coward. The survivor’s guilt laid heavily in her heart and she knew it, but it was impossible to feel normal when half of your unit was slaughtered right in front of her. No one could understand the sight she had witnessed that day underneath a hot, blazing sun. Kevin sighs deeply and pauses the timer sitting on the table in front of them.

He had been pushing her the last several sessions, and he can now clearly see how much an effect this has had on her. “It’s okay,” said Kevin and he stands to fetch a glass of cold water. Maybe it would help ease her back into this reality. “Rosa, you don’t have to go any further. If you want, we can be done for today.” He hands her the glass whilst placing a comforting hand on the soldiers shoulder. Rosa nods, taking the glass gratefully. It was probably for the best before she gives more information to him. She takes a generous sip as she leans back on the couch and sighs at the feeling when cool water rushes down her throat.

Kevin takes his seat again, checking the time they had. They were only twenty minutes in now. “We still have thirty minutes. Tell me one good thing that has happened to you since you’ve come back home.” Rosa looks across the table at him, and immediately the barista comes to mind. She seemed to be the remedy to most of her panic attacks because as soon as she thinks about Amy Santiago, a little clarity happens. “I met a new friend and she’s been helping me.” A small smile tugs up on Kevin’s lips and he nods in approval.

“I’m glad you found someone to confide in.” Kevin said as he places his binder down on the table in front of him. 

“Me too,” Rosa replied. “She’s pretty great. Her name’s Amy and we’ve become really close, so she knows a bit about my past.”

“Does she know about what happened?” Kevin asked.

“No,” Rosa said and shakes her head. “I don’t want to scare her off. She’s stuck around this long already and that’s a first.”

“It sounds like you really like her,” said Kevin. He immediately picked up on Rosa’s attraction toward Amy simply just by the way he read Rosa’s eyes and the way she spoke so highly about the mysterious friend. Rosa can feel the heat rise in her cheeks and she groans loudly. 

“Suppose I do. I just don’t want to mess it up.” Rosa admitted softly.

“Have a little faith in yourself, Rosa. Underneath all of the past traumas, the real you is still there and she’ll see that.” Kevin smiles, checking the time once more. He had several other clients today before he closed up for holiday weekend. “I think that’s all the time we have for today. If you need to reach me, you know my emergency line.” Rosa stands on her feet, nodding to him understandingly. She had to admit that Kevin was one of her better therapists. He actually asked her questions and delved into her issues a lot more than some. She was sad that her sessions with him were only an hour long, or else she wouldn’t shut up about amazing Amy was.

“Thanks, Mr. Cozner.” said Rosa as she approached the office door and opens the door. “Hope you have a good holiday.”

“You, too, Rosa. Take care of yourself.” 

A certain amount of relief washed over her as she stepped out onto the sidewalk from the little therapist building. She shivers, feeling flakes of snow hitting her warm skin and melting at first contact. She feels good and Rosa was surprised she was able to get further than she did last week. When she first came home and was assigned to Kevin, she wouldn’t even talk to him. Now, almost three weeks later she began her POW backstory to him. Maybe if she was able to tell him, she would eventually be able to tell Amy what happened. Only time would tell if she’s truly able to though. It’s a start at least.

The cold air nips at her nose and it reminds Rosa that she should have dressed a little warmer. Her hoodie was starting to not cut it for this weather. She flips her hood on as the wind whips around the buildings. It stings at times, but when she checks her phone, she can feel that heat from before being retained in her cheeks. Amy had sent her several texts while she was in there asking if she wanted to come over for dinner. With the mood Rosa was in, she accepts the invite, sending a funny meme in the process that earned her ten laugh emojis. _**You’re a dork. See you later tonight.**_

The text was simple, but before she went to Amy’s apartment, she needed to visit her parents. It was one of the main reasons why she came back anyway. It was before noon, so she had plenty of time to deal with everything until tonight. 

Rosa decides to take the bus to her parents house. She didn’t really want to bring her motorcycle out in this mess of weather. It was covered with a tarp waiting for a nice day for a drive. With the snow becoming heavy, she was glad to be on a warm bus instead of wandering the street which would take a couple hours to get to her parents. Another text rings in, and when she checks it, it’s her older sister wondering where she was. “Ugh,” she mumbles and rolls her eyes, replying immediately so her sister doesn’t begin to nag her. She would be there in fifteen minutes with traffic.

Traffic was terrible as usual, but even more worse because Christmas was this coming weekend. To drown out the noise, Rosa puts in her earbuds to distract her. Sometimes, the noises coming from loud vehicles and normal, everyday routines people have on the street can trigger episodes. She recalls one morning when the garbage guys came and loud bang stirred her awake one morning. That sound was equal to a bomb going off and she remembers grabbing her pistol from under the bed. Shaking her head, she continues to listen to the smooth tunes of jazz and r&b to relax her mind.

On any other day, she would listen to rock music,but sometimes the noise clouds her mind. Certain types of music is therapeutic for her, and only these tunes can really ease her anxieties. Rosa sighs, when she feels the bus roll to a stop and she arrived at her parent’s neighborhood. Ever since she came out as bisexual, her mother had slowly began to accept it again. Especially after her little girl was shipped off to fight in a war -- TWICE. She realized it was extremely petty to argue and fight about when any second, Rosa could be on death’s doorstep, but this is the first time she’s been back after becoming a prisoner. They would have a lot of questions that Rosa wasn’t keen on answering any time soon.

All she needed to do was get through this lunch date with her parents and siblings. She loved her family and she missed them - she really did - but they can be bothersome when it comes to what had happened over there. Some things just need to stay buried and hopefully forgotten. Rosa tries to put the memories to the back of her brain and tries to remind herself that she’s here to spend time with her loved ones for the holidays. When she stands on the front porch of her parent’s apartment, she is immediately greeted by her niece who wraps both arms around her in a warm hug.

She has gotten so big since the last time Rosa saw her, but she is able to lift the young girl a couple of inches off the ground. “Auntie Rosa,” she says excitedly and drags the soldier in by the hand. “Mama! Mama! Rosa is here!” They were already into the wine it seemed, but Rosa had respectfully declined when her father came up to offer her a drink. Surprisingly, Rosa been cleared for a month of sobriety now and she feared if she started drinking again - even with just a sip - the alcohol would induce the memories from war again. It’s best if she had a clear mind, which is why she favored coffee a lot more these days. 

Her father smiled, holding a hand out to the woman. Rosa at first thought it was a weird greeting, but she gave him the firm handshake he expected. “Ah, that’s my little soldier girl! Firm and strong like papa.” He gave a hearty laugh, and then pulled his daughter into a hug as well. “Welcome home, hija,” he said affectionately. Tears began to swell up in Rosa’s eyes and she returned the embrace. She was thankful that she was with her family for a while at least, no matter how stubborn and hardheaded they were. She knows where she gets it from. 

The house was decorated for Christmas and the smell of food in the kitchen was intoxicating. When she steps into the kitchen, she sees her mother standing at the counter baking something for dinner. “Hija!” she screams with joy, flour was caked all over her hands and face. Rosa didn’t mind it though. Rosa is met with a force that felt like a brick wall when her mother collided into her. “Look at you! I’m so proud!” her mother is giddy as she pulls Rosa over to the counter where she was working. They had met Rosa at the airport when she first arrived, but it had been a week since Rosa had last seen them since getting home. 

That’s how it was in a Spanish household - love was endless and they were always happy to see you regardless. Rosa and her family talked, laughed and played games for several hours. Even though Rosa mentioned Amy once, her sisters knew it was someone new that she was pining after just by the way Rosa lit up when her name was said. The two sisters exchange humorous looks, but decide to keep their questions about the mysterious barista quiet for now. They would bombard Rosa later, trying to get all the juicy details. 

Slowly, the sun begins to descend on Brooklyn and Rosa gives everyone one last hug each. Diane, however, got the longest hug of them all. The runt is annoying as hell sometimes, but she was still Rosa’s favorite. They did a little secret handshake that consisted of several different moves. It made her parents smile to see the two getting along now and realized how much Rosa has grown as a person despite the underlying issues of PTSD. They are aware of such issues, but never really bothered to ask about them. Rosa supposed they were too afraid of the outcome of the conversation. At least she didn’t have to deal with it today. It was actually pretty enjoyable for once.

Once everything with her family had been settled and dealt with, Rosa realized she couldn’t stop smiling for once. Things were looking pretty good in the last couple of days. It was going on around 6pm and she was supposed to have dinner with Amy, but after her mother’s cooking, she doesn't know if she can stomach more food. Maybe she’ll just eat something light. She pulls her phone out and proceeds to dial Amy’s number. “Hey,” Rosa said as she began walking to the bus. “I’ll be there soon. Want me to bring anything?” They talked for a little bit, and Amy was equally happy to get to see her.

“Are you sure? I can bring something simple.” Rosa suggested, but with Amy’s tone she realized there was a lot more food than she expected. Apparently, some of Amy’s family had managed to pop in and gave her a visit. Several of her brothers and their families stayed the whole day. “Wow, you have seven brothers? You’re a lot stronger than I am and I fought the same war twice.” The comment made Rosa chortle (and earned her several peculiar looks), but after a few more moments they ended the phone conversation with a _‘see you then’_. Rosa smiles, taking her seat to the back of the bus when it rolled up.

Today has been a long day, and she was glad to be spending some alone time with Amy. When she reaches the familiar apartment, she is buzzed in. Rosa’s heart begin to do that erratic beating thing when she scaled the stairs up to Amy’s apartment. They had been spending a lot of time together, and Rosa half wondered if Amy felt the same vibe she was feeling. Rosa had promised that she wouldn’t catch feelings so quickly, but it was nearly impossible when someone like Amy actually wants to be around you and treats you like a decent human being and not a robot. Those kinds of characteristics made Rosa feel more inclined to open up to someone.

When she knocks on the door, she could hear feet pattering over. The atmosphere is a lot more different than the first time she was here. The entire apartment was illuminated in dim lighting and Rosa could smell a few candles burning with a fire roasted marshmallow scent. It was warm, inviting and relaxing. Something completely different than her parents house. When she looks at Amy, her eyes immediately lit up and they both hug. “Merry Christmas,” said Rosa. Even though Christmas wasn’t for a couple more days, she knew it must be said.

“Merry Christmas!” Amy said excited. “It’s one of my favorite times of the year. A lot of my brothers just left a while ago, so I’m sorry if the place is a bit of a wreck.” There is gift wrapper all over the place which indicated they had exchanged gifts with each other and it makes Rosa smile that Amy was so close to her family. Familiar scents of ham and cookies being made in the tiny kitchen signaled Rosa to follow Amy. It seemed like Amy had taken care of everything that had been lying around the house before. All of those bills that Rosa saw piled up on the table, couldn’t have been fun to go through. “Here, try these.”

Amy points to the plate of chocolate chip cookies that were baked an hour ago and Rosa delightfully picks one up. “You can bake, too?” Rosa asked with impressed tone and pops the cookie into her mouth. Instantly, Rosa froze. She had been fooled. The cookies may have looked delicious, but they had no means the same taste. Rosa swallowed the cookie as best as she could without making a foul expression of discomfort.

She didn’t want to upset Amy by telling her that her cooking was slightly… bad. “Suppose you wouldn’t have any good coffee around?” Rosa asked with a cookie crumbled grin. Amy is delighted to see Rosa eat them, because they laid untouched when her brothers were here. They only ate most of the ham since it was store bought. Amy giggles, taking her thumb and dusting the corners of Rosa’s mouth. The contact made Rosa smile for only a brief second. “Of course! I’ll make some for us. Go take a seat. You can tell me about your visit to your parents.”

 _Maybe she’s the exception,_ thought Rosa as she took her seat on the sofa. Within several minutes, another intoxicating smell hits Rosa’s nostrils and it was her favorite kind of coffee that Amy was brewing. _Shit, she remembered my favorite?_ Rosa’s eyes raise up from her phone and grins. The smell was overpowering the candles and it became this heavenly aroma once they were entwined. “Here you go,” said Amy as she brought over two cups. “I remembered that you liked only black. But you should at least try some of this creamer. It’s delicious.” 

“I’m not big into creamers, but what flavor.”

“Hershey’s kiss.” said Amy as she poured only a couple splashes of it into her own mug and to it to her lips. Rosa’s watches with interest for a moment, clearing her throat. She waves Amy on to continue to pour some for her. 

“Sure, I’ll give it a try,” said Rosa.

As Amy poured a couple splashes into her own, Rosa braced herself for the taste. She liked chocolate, so she thought coffee and it together wouldn’t be _that_ bad. Rosa takes her mug and inhales the Arabic coffee and how bitter it actually was. It made her mind settle from everything that has happened today and she is glad to find a little peace. She takes a sip and opens one eye to see Amy waiting for her review of the creamer. “It’s pretty good actually. I could actually drink that regularly.” Amy smiles and claps at the positive feedback and leans into the couch. 

They talk for a while about each other’s family and their plans for the New Years. Amy has a wide smile on her face when she finds out that Rosa didn’t have plans other than going to visit her military friends that live in Manhattan. “We weren’t part of the same unit, but she’s a superior of mine and someone I trust.” 

Amy nods her head understandingly, realizing that you had to have people to trust when you were in the line of work Rosa was in. Fighting a war and being on your own didn’t seem very appealing, but Amy didn’t know that’s how Rosa spent most of her time. Rosa preferred to be a lone wolf most days, but the thought of someone always being there for her was changing her mind about it. After a few moments, Rosa could feel Amy hesitantly getting closer to her. A small section of her own cushion was sinking in even when Amy was trying to hide the fact she was.

Rosa placed her mug down and she leans back into the couch for second trying to adjust. She didn’t know what to do anymore when it comes to these kinds of moments - especially moments with women. It made her panic, but before Rosa could realize it, Amy had herself curled up on the couch, resting her head on her arms that were laying against the back. She was only several inches away from Rosa as she dangles her sockless feet off the side. Rosa clears her throat nervously. _Is this a date?_ The question was aroused suddenly in her head as she looks around the room again, it was clear that’s what it was.

Dim lighting, warm scented candles, freshly brewed coffee that was to Rosa’s liking… it all sums up that Amy was most likely planning this. “Amy, can I ask you something?” Rosa swallows hard as the girl nods her head. Amy wasn’t intoxicated with alcohol as far as Rosa could tell, so she had head on straight - even if her heart was leaning toward her. Was this Amy taking her chances? This made things scary for Rosa. It happens. Every. Time. What was she going to do? She wasn’t prepared for this. 

“Is this a date?”


	4. Struggling With Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After her interesting encounter with Amy, Rosa begins to really feel her mind breaking down on her. She is struggling to keep up with her thoughts, but she eventually admits that what happened in Iraq was her fault and she needs to own up to it.

At first, Rosa wasn’t sure if she should have asked. The space between her and Amy became slightly uncomfortable when she feels Amy retract back to her side of the couch. “What?” Amy asked in surprise. _So, it wasn’t a date…_ Simply, just the tone of the woman’s voice was enough to tell Rosa, but she needed to ask. Even if this had been, she wasn’t ready. She was too busy trying to fix herself first before she goes to ruin another relationship. It was unfair to Amy to pull her string, so Rosa thought stopping her now would spare them both down the road.

It seemed to have shocked Amy nonetheless that Rosa had asked. Maybe it had been a date and Amy wasn’t prepared for Rosa’s question? “I mean,” Amy began as she places her mug down and scratches the side of her temple nervously. “I didn’t want to label it as one.” Rosa smiles, taking in a breath and exhaling slowly. “I guess it might be.” The barista felt her cheeks begin to flush a deep red, now feeling foolish that she had even invited Rosa over. Amy wanted to be respectful to Rosa’s situation. She knew about her traumatic past, so she didn’t want to force anything on her. 

Naturally, Amy thought this could have been more of a friend date instead, but it looked like she had overdone it. Amy looks around, realizing that her attempt at making the evening as normal as possible had failed miserably. She is waiting for Rosa to say something, but all Rosa could do was sit there and smile at the barista. Even with all the shit she has told Amy since they had met, this girl still wants to chance it with her. “Slow and steady wins the race they say,” said Rosa with a little shrug. Amy smiles at the response, averting her eyes to the floor but feels Rosa’s hand slip to hers. 

“I appreciate it, Amy. I do, but at the moment, I’m really not ready for this.” The words hurt when they came from her mouth, but Rosa knew she had work on herself first before her next relationship. She wanted it to be with Amy though - more than anything. “Is it alright if we just stay as friends for now?” Rosa asked, feeling Amy squeeze her hand a little tighter than before. “Not going to lie, I am interested in you. It’s just… you don’t know what you’re in for.” Maybe she was trying to protect Amy from the fucked up bullshit she had been through. She didn’t want Amy to experience anything or feel responsible if Rosa was going through something.

She could see the disappointment on Amy’s face, so she pulls the woman in for a warm embrace. Amy smelled really good. She got all dolled up and everything simply because Rosa was here. “I understand,” Amy mumbled softly into Rosa’s jacket. She would be there for Rosa if she needed her. That was one thing that Amy had already promised herself. When they pull away, Rosa caught Amy’s eyes for a second and paused. Rosa wanted to kiss her. Goddamn, she desired to, but only stretched a hand to Amy’s cheek and smiled. “When you’re ready?” Amy asked, wanting to know if it’d be okay to wait it out.

The smile on Rosa’s face grew. _Amy is willing to wait for me?_ She didn’t want to keep Amy waiting a lifetime. She didn’t know how long it would take for her to mentally repair herself, but having Amy by her side would jump start the entire process. “Yeah,” said Rosa with an approving nod. At least they were able to talk about it. Rosa was surprised she didn’t run like the coward she was. Like, how she ran from the issues that were still haunting her in her sleep. She didn’t want Amy involved in all of that. Not yet. Maybe never. Rosa relaxes into the couch, taking a bit of solace knowing that there was still a chance here.

“You don’t have to wait for me,” said Rosa. “I can be very problematic.”

“I want to,” replied Amy almost immediately. “There’s something about you, Rosa. I don’t know what it is, but I have to find out. If I have to wait to show you that I care, then so be it.” 

Rosa couldn’t put it into words how she felt about Amy’s response. She takes the woman’s hand and gently places a kiss on her knuckles. It was as much as she could give her right now to let Amy understand that she was thankful. They would see each other as friends for now, but will try to keep their distance until they were ready to begin a new chapter. It was still too early. Rosa has only known her for a couple of weeks. Last time, she had jumped into a relationship so quickly, it crashed and burned before it even took flight. She didn’t want that to happen again and she was glad that Amy understood that.

It was like an old school, romantic courtship. Testing the waters of uncharted feelings and a natural desire to be with each other. Rosa could feel that magnetic pull, and she knows Amy can too, but this needed to be handled with care. “Thank you, Amy. I appreciate it.” They sat there and talked up until the early morning hours. It was nearly 2am, but fortunately the coffee was there to keep them awake. Rosa had was on her 3rd or 4th cup by now and she knew that she wouldn’t be sleeping much. So what if it had been a date? Rosa actually enjoyed herself for majority of the night and nothing happened. 

Her triggers remained under control and she was relieved that she didn’t cause any problems for anyone today. She didn’t need any of that on her mind because usually, it just makes her feel so much worse without even realizing it. As the coffee dwindled to bare nothingness in the kitchen, it was kind of amusing to sit there and watch Amy’s eyes begin to close. “Sorry,” she said and stifled a yawn. “Funny enough, coffee tends to do the opposite effect on me if I drink too much of it.” Rosa chuckles softly, standing to her feet and lending a hand down to Amy’s. Soft brown eyes shift upward to Rosa and Amy takes the woman’s hand without question.

“It’s late… or early,” thought Rosa for a second before she looked at her phone. “I should probably get home soon. I’m going out for a run with my buddy who’s a cop.” Amy didn’t know Rosa had any friends outside of the military. She never really talked about any of them. The only aspect she knew about Rosa’s life was her family and how much of her family was military of differing branches. “I’ll text you when I get home.” She smiles, pulling Amy toward the door before gently placing a kiss on her cheek. Rosa shouldn’t have done that, but to her, it was a friendly gesture even though they have admitted their feelings to each other. 

Two people who have been seeing each other, not labeling it as anything specific was known to do things like this. It wasn’t a crime to be a little flirty even if it they weren’t legitimate. That’s how a lot of Amy’s friends became couples. They took things slow and if that’s what Rosa wanted, Amy was going to respect it. She smiled, placing a hand on the door even though she really didn’t want Rosa to leave. “You won’t catch me running anywhere, so I definitely give you props for keeping in shape.”

Rosa grinned widely, giving the woman a nod and released her hand when she stepped out into the hallway of the quiet apartment building. “Yeah. I kind of have to. Keeps my mind straight - even though I’m not.” The joke made Amy laugh and she shakes her head, giving Rosa a little eye roll. 

“That was corny,” said Amy as she leaned into the door. “I’ll see you sometime next week then?”

“Definitely. I’ll call you tomorrow after my run.” Rosa promised, giving Amy a wink before she turns on the balls of her feet down the hallway. Amy stood there and watched before Rosa turned the corner and she couldn’t help but sigh to herself, feeling completely satisfied with how tonight played out.

Later that night, it took everything in Rosa to go to sleep. It never comes easy for her and it was even more difficult with the amount of caffeine coursing through her system. She turned on her side, scrolling through the endless text messages she and Amy have sent back and forth to each other in the past couple of weeks. She couldn’t believe that they were somewhat of a couple - or whatever you want to call it. It was a start, and it was a good thing she didn’t commit right out of the gate because she didn’t know how long it would be before she’d ruin it. 

She hated this time of night - where everything laid still and quiet. This is when her mind did a lot of thinking she couldn’t stop. Her mind always went back to Iraq, to the location where she lost her entire unit to a merciless slaughter. It makes her heart ache, knowing she had caused their deaths. God, she was a coward. Rosa can remember how they were captured, fear had surged to everyone’s minds knowing they weren’t going to live to see the next day nor their loved ones again. But somehow **she** survived. “Goddammit,” she mumbles and sits up in her bed. She grabs hold of her dog tags and jerks them from her neck and chain. 

Why did she _run_? Why did Rosa run from danger when her family unit was being killed? She could have saved them - or at least died trying like a deserving hero. She didn’t deserve that medal when she came home. Rosa glances over, looking at the Purple Heart pinned to her uniform. Yes, she was captured and tortured for days on end, but that pain didn’t amount to the sheer agony she felt about her unit that she had sacrificed to ISIS. At least she didn’t tell them a thing. She was waterboarded, fed rotten food and whipped into telling them anything about the United States government - but she didn’t. It was the least she could do after what she had done.

Amy could never know about any of that. How would she appear to the woman if Amy had found out about everything? She couldn’t even tell her therapist because she was afraid of what he’d think or say. Only heaven knows what her own _father_ would say. Everything hurt, and it wasn’t from the physical scars on her back made from a whip that had scarred over with time. Rosa felt numb as she stared at the floor. Her fellow soldiers that had passed on in the most atrocious way had been haunting her. 

This is something that she couldn’t forgive herself over and she was okay suffering in silence, because she thought it was deserving. Rosa stands on her feet, feeling how cold the floorboards are to her skin. She shivers slightly and checks to see what was happening outside. It had been spitting a fresh blanket of tiny flurries outside her window. If the military knew that she had ran from her unit while they were being executed, they would charge her for desertion. A soldier should never run from their military family, but the fear that Rosa felt that day made for irrational decision-making that ended up costing the lives of brave souls.

“I don’t deserve any of this,” said Rosa as she took short strides over to her uniform. She unpinned the Purple Heart from her battle desert uniform. “I need to come clean eventually. I can’t let this haunt me forever.” 

Would she come clean? It was easier said than done. If she’d come clean, she’d be court martialed or worse. Maybe even sentenced to prison. She didn’t really understood the process because she had never done it before. _Anyone would have ran,_ thought Rosa. It was the only thing that gave her a valid excuse, but she knew that wasn’t the case. None of the soldiers in her unit ran that day - _**just her**_. Since then, Rosa had told herself that there was a meaning behind to what she had done, but it doesn’t make her feel any less guilty. 

She needed to be more kind to herself. Her therapist before Kevin had told her this and she listened, but it was still hard to accept that monstrous side of yourself. She doesn’t deserve kindness nor forgiveness. What would she say to the families of those soldiers? It was all too much. Rosa thought the Purple Heart was designed to be awarded to a hero. All she did was tough it out during a few days of extreme torture. Rosa takes the medal from her chest pocket and drops it onto the hardwood floors. It made a soft ding, but she ignores it. She didn’t care about it. 

Right now, she wanted to call Amy.She needed a voice of reason that would calm her mind, but she didn’t know if Amy was awake. With a little sigh, she moves to the kitchen and opens the fridge to see leftover bottles of alcohol from her drunk days. They were in there as a reminder - for motivation to keep pushing forward in her sobriety, but right now she was failing to do so. She outstretches her hand to one of them, feeling the temperature cools her hand from the colored glass. She inhales deeply, debating in her mind if she should sacrifice all the long, hard work she had accomplished through. She pulls the bottle toward her, tapping her finger around the neck of it.

“Fuck, what am I doing?”

Deciding against her thoughts, Rosa does what she can to pull herself out of a dark place and puts the bottle back. Rosa couldn’t screw up the amount of hard work she has put in for herself - no matter how tempting it was. These demons of hers were constantly nagging her. She needs a distraction and it can’t be Amy this time. It’s fucking wild that you have to keep busy to feel alright and Rosa feels this with anyone going through the same thing. It was hell. She takes her phone, scrolling through her contacts and finds the woman she had trusted with her life during boot camp. 

They had each other’s backs. Rosa has no clue what her schedule is like, so she decides to simply leave a voicemail for her instead. If and when her friend wasn’t busy, she would get in touch. _”Hey Gina,”_ said Rosa through the phone. _”This is First Sergeant Rosa Diaz. I know it’s been a while, but if you could - could you call me back when you get a chance? I just need someone familiar to talk to.”_ Rosa doesn’t know if Gina would call her back due to her busy life with a baby in the picture now, but Rosa hoped eventually she would get the callback. She hangs up, swallowing hard. 

For tonight, she had to tough it out on her own. Sleep was overrated anyway. Rosa changes into an olive green colored Army shirt and a pair of black leggings. If anything, exercise could be her saving grace right now. She was going to go run with Jake later on in the day, but right now a little workout session might do her some good to clear her mind. Rosa lived in a decent apartment. It was quite nice, but everything was small and compact like normal. There wasn’t much space to move around so she had to move furniture around to give her enough adequate space to do her workouts. 

She glances over, looking at the pullup bars, dumbbells and resistance bands, but figured that yoga would help keep her more centered. She rolls out the rubber mat and plants her bare feet on the end before going down on her knees. Rosa had done this a lot of times grouped up with meditation. It did relax her, so this may do the trick to give her some peace of mind for sleep. She takes her phone, putting on some relaxing sounds from one of her favorite YouTube channels. The chants combined with African and Indian songs should easily put her in a trance and embrace her inner-self, but right now - her inner-self had been struggling.

After about an hour of warrior and child poses, Rosa did feel somewhat better. Her body felt relaxed, but her mind only eased up slightly. She pressed stop on the three hour long meditation video and exhaled slowly. Her mind was exhausting her, and she knows why. Her military friends will tell her that it wasn’t her fault things happened. It was war. Shit happens all the time without warning, but Rosa can’t take it anymore. As difficult as it may be, rosa needed to tell someone - no matter what their reaction might be. The soldier knows she was a _deserter_ , but now she needs to own up to it and remedy her situation. 

If she keeps harboring these secrets about when she was in Iraq, they will surely eat her from the inside out.


	5. Feelings Harbored

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amy goes with Rosa to her therapy session and there's a little breakthrough. However, there's still a lot of work to be done.

It was hard getting the help she needed, but Rosa knew this would be the only way to conquer her own demons. Holiday season is over and she only had a couple months to set things straight before she has to go back to Iraq. “You’ve got this,” said Amy who had decided to tag along with her to Dr. Cozner’s office. Rosa wasn’t used to having someone attend her therapy sessions with her, but Amy needed to know as well as to what’s going on with her mentally. This needed to happen if she wanted to go anywhere in life with this woman.

Fear was the worst feeling about this whole thing. She was terrified to go back to that moment in her mind. Back to that moment when it all started and why she was so messed up today. She takes a deep breath, nodding her head to Amy as she tightly holds the girl’s hand in her own. “I hate admitting that I’m terrified,” mumbled Rosa as they casually strolled down the hallway to the last door. They stood there for a long moment and Amy sweetly took Rosa’s face in her hand and gave her a comforting smile. “You’re the bravest person I know. I’ll be here no matter what happens.”

Amy leans in to kiss her, and Rosa hesitantly returns it. They weren’t officially dating yet, but if they continue to act this way, Rosa thought they might as well have been. It wasn’t even brought up or talked about. Things just… _happened_. However, they haven’t been intimate yet and Amy is still trying to restrain herself because she knows how much Rosa has been struggling. All she wants to do is take that pain away and make Rosa feel good, and that was the only way she knew how. Even if it was a simple kiss.

That kiss wasn’t so simple to Rosa, though. She could feel her heart beat rapidly against her chest, how clammy her hands became as they their fingers laced and the way they part their lips and they both inhale to take a breath. “This is what I’ve been trying to avoid for so long. I don’t want you to see how fucked up I am,” whispered Rosa as their foreheads touched briefly. Amy smiles, tucking a few strands lose strands of hair behind Rosa’s ear. “I care about you too much to subject you to my bullshit.”

A soft sigh escapes Amy as she shakes her head and she pulls away for a second to get a better look at Rosa’s face. She can detect the fear in Rosa’s eyes and Amy wasn’t going to deny that she was concerned. Amy has only gotten to know Rosa for a month now and there were still so many things they didn’t know about each other. This was going to be a test for them both as soon as they walked through those doors. She wanted to come and help be a sense of moral support, though. Amy knows Rosa doesn’t want to screw this up, but regardless, Amy is there for her.

“I care about you, Rosa. Nothing else,” she explained in a quiet tone. Rosa can hear the severity of it and she only nods her head, smiling softly as she knocked on her therapist’s door. She released a puff of breath as if she was mentally preparing herself for what she was about to experience. At least Amy would be right beside her and that had a calming effect in its own right. Deep down, Rosa didn’t really want her here, but it was nice to know that Amy was making the attempt despite how shitty her past is.  
“I really hope you know what you’re getting yourself into,” said Rosa. Amy gives her a little understanding nod, fully aware about what was to come. To be honest, Amy was just as worried as Rosa was. She had never done anything like this, and Amy feared she didn’t even have the words to comfort Rosa if something had gone wrong. She keeps Rosa’s hand in hers, but she can clearly tell how nervous Rosa was becoming as they heard footsteps quickly approaching the door. It opens and she sees the prominent looking man who kept himself clean and organized. 

“Miss Diaz, you’re a few minutes early, but that’s alright. Come on in,” said Kevin. “I’m not used to having others join my clients, though.” He eyes Amy suspiciously, but until he sees their hands together and fingers laced, he knew that this was the young barista girl that Rosa had become acquainted with over the past month since her return. “Kevin Cozner,” he said as he directed his attention to Amy. His smile was welcoming and warm and Amy was glad that he seemed to be someone Rosa confided in and trusted. Even if he wasn’t a therapist, he just had that aura about him.

They take their seats and Amy releases Rosa’s hand. “Thank you, Mr. Cozner.” said Amy. “My name is Amy Santiago. I’m basically here for moral support.” She looks at Rosa and leans down to kiss her shoulder gently and smiles. Kevin is wondering why now Rosa wanted moral support when before she never took the time to bring anyone else to their sessions in the past. He reads Rosa’s face carefully, watching the corner of her lip twitch and the way her fingers tap the side of her legs. She was experiencing a form of anxiety that was not known to Kevin yet.

Before they started, Kevin took out his clipboard of information (and yes, Rosa still hasn’t seen it) and began to write down what he was seeing. Rosa raises her eyes, trying to take a look at what it might have been that he was recording, but Amy had momentarily distracted her for a brief second. “You can do this,” she said as she placed a tender hand against Rosa’s clammy face. Kevin is ignoring their interaction, knowing it wasn’t any of his business and starts the time to being.

“Now, Rosa. Tell me what’s on your mind?” Kevin asked as he scribbled on the clipboard. Way before this moment, Rosa had steeled herself, trying to block out any and all junctures relating to her traumas. Her mind felt numb most days, but it was impossible to shut off her internal monologue to always bring up conversations she’s had with herself from before. She scolded herself quite often for being a coward, and opening up these wounds again to deal with the pain of what she had done was going to be difficult. “It’s alright,” said Kevin as he leaned over and placed a hand on her knee. “You’re in a safe place here.”

Amy keeps her eyes on Rosa, unsure how to console her or even motivate her into telling Kevin what she told her - about how she ran from her unit when they were being executed. They needed to help work with her through these painful shards of memories that felt like that were stabbing her relentlessly in the heart. “I’m a coward,” muttered Rosa. It was simple words, but it was a huge start. Memories flood back to Rosa almost instantly as if someone pulled a lever and a dam opened up and washed away whatever sanity she had. “I’m a coward for what I did.” Rosa looks at Kevin before digging around in her leather jacket pocket.

“Here,” she slams down the Purple Heart medal that she had kept. “I don’t deserve this.” It wasn’t right that Rosa had it. All it did was bring up memories. That’s what those medals normally did for her and of course, they were always memories she didn’t quite enjoy. The ones she enjoyed were very few elusive whenever she tried to bring them from the depths of her bad ones. They always intertwined with each other, so it was kind of difficult to pick them apart until she was able to recognize one she was familiar with.

Kevin is looking down at the Purple Heart medal with surprise etched into his face. There is an equal amount of surprise on Amy’s face too, because she had no idea that Rosa had a Purple Heart. Whatever Rosa had done, it was probably rightfully deserved even if the soldier didn’t believe it was. “This is certainly not what I expected,” said Kevin as he took the Purple Heart in his hand, only encountering one other soldier who had it in his career. He is curious now, wondering what could possibly be so intense she had to bring in this to show him.

“You can have it,” said Rosa as she stared at the medal with a stoic expression. “I don’t deserve it after coming home. What I did before to earn that… it shouldn’t even be worth it.”

“What do you mean? Tell me,” said Kevin softly as he placed the medal back down on the table. 

Rosa goes to tell the story of how she ran from her unit when they were being executed by ISIS members. How she was the one that led them to their demise when their helicopter crashed after being ambushed from the ground. How it even happened, Rosa couldn’t recall the details, but only screams of agonizing pain and pleading for their god to save them. She told him even when she heard cries of help, she didn't come back for them. That she stayed hidden until she was captured herself.

"Ah, I see," said Kevin and he sits down his clipboard of personal notes. He knew this shouldn't be recorded. It was detrimental to Rosa mentally if this information had gotten in the wrong hands. Rosa had to be one of his most interesting patients. He smiled weakly, showing her some type of sympathy as he stood on his feet and moved to get her something to drink like he always offered. He even offered to Amy too because he can tell how much she cares for Rosa. When she speaks, she has Amy's undivided attention and the concern was obvious.

It was hard for Rosa to catch her breath during conversation. The more she talked about it, the more memories came to the surface. Everything seemed to spill from her heart in one jumbled mess as she felt an emotional lump form in her throat. She could feel Amy's hand on her back, caressing her and trying to comfort her, but it really wasn’t doing much help. “Some things just happen, Rosa. You can’t always blame yourself.” Of course he was going to say that. Rosa sighed, knowing very well that it was Kevin’s job to help her believe that things just happen for a reason, but what if she was that reason?  
“That’s bullshit,” the soldier snarled.

“Rosa…” Amy has yet to see this side of her and if this was a glimpse of what Rosa deals with daily, was she really prepared to be with her? She liked Rosa and it was too early to mention anything about the four letter word that would bring them even closer together. 

“No,” Rosa stood on her feet and ignored the water being offered to her. She wasn’t thirsty. She was angry. _God, why can't I just stay numb forever? Feeling anything is stupid._ thought Rosa. “Torture is nothing compared to death. What do I say to those families who lost their loved ones because _I_ decided to run?” 

“If you didn’t run, you wouldn’t be here right now.” Kevin said earnestly. “Rosa, please take a seat and we’ll go over your breathing exercises.” Calmly, he steps up to her and places both of his hands on her shoulders to steady her. The expression in her eyes was clear that she felt guilt and remorse for those dead soldiers - some were her friends and family which is what hurt her the most. 

Amy didn’t know what to say to her. She remained silent during their conversation because it was difficult to come up with anything comforting to say. She didn’t want a bad reaction from Rosa all because she said something that didn’t help. If anything, Kevin would be the one to calm Rosa down. He knew her a lot more when it comes to this because even if Rosa did come clean about her PTSD, there were some things Rosa was probably harboring especially if it was the details of her capture. It didn’t even feel like her POW days had any affect on her, but Amy could be wrong. 

It was just that Rosa felt the guilt more. She couldn’t imagine what it was like being held hostage while feeling that same guilt she was feeling now. Amy felt terrible as she sat there, watching Rosa keep herself together all because she was there. “Do you want me to leave?” Amy asked softly and she placed a gentle hand on Rosa’s arm. Rosa was stubborn, and showing any kind of weakness in front of Amy was hard. Amy felt Rosa twitch when she touched her arm and it saddened her that she was going through this.

“Shit. I’m sorry,” said Rosa as she wrapped her arms around Amy, realizing she must have been making this hard for her to watch. “I don’t want you to leave.” Rosa feels arms wrap around her and Amy’s face was buried deeply into the nook of Rosa’s neck. It felt nice to be hugged tightly like this. It was one of those hugs from the right people that made things feel… _normal_. Whatever really what that felt like, Rosa didn’t know. Kevin watches closely at how different Rosa behaves around Amy compared to before and he sighs, feeling some type of relief that she has someone.

When they pull away, Rosa kisses the top of Amy’s forehead and turns to look at Kevin. They nod to each other in an understanding way that they felt it was okay to move on. “It’s a normal reaction to want to run,” said Kevin as he tried everything to help Rosa believe it wasn’t her fault what happened in Iraq. “It’s what we do to survive. You survived to tell those soldier’s stories, Rosa. Because you survived, they won’t die in vain now.” It was just when Kevin finished speaking, Rosa had an epiphany of sorts. If she wanted to make up for what she’s done, then maybe she should start by focusing what mental strength she had on a charity for the families of those who had fallen.

It was the only way she can think of that would be able to get her mind completely out of this dark place she constantly found herself in. The only thing she really didn’t like doing was public speaking and she knew eventually she would have to do this at events. She would need practice and help, but it was something she knew she had to do. She owed it to those soldiers who fought alongside her. 

Finally, it seemed that Kevin was getting through to her after almost an hour. It honestly felt a lot longer than that, but they all survived. Amy smiles and takes Rosa’s hand, feeling how Rosa returns the squeeze. “Thanks. I think that helped a little. Do you think it would be possible to somehow speak to the families? I want to do something for them, but I don’t know what yet aside from a charity fundraiser.” Amy had never felt more proud. It was actually a really plausible idea that could have a huge impact on not only Rosa herself, but the community to raise veteran PTSD awareness. 

After therapy, Rosa was more than exhausted. She felt mentally drained from everything and all she wanted to do was go home, but it looked like Amy wasn’t letting her. “I’m proud of you,” said Amy as they walked side by side and her arm threaded through Rosa’s. It was a huge step in Rosa’s healing process to accept what had happened, happened. Amy feels the same type of guilt for Rosa in a different sense, but she is there for her, whatever that reason may be. “If anything, we can start planning on what you need to do. Maybe use the coffee shop for an event since the company supports vets.”

It would take a lot to get a charity up and running like it should. Rosa would have support from some of her military friends, but she honestly didn’t know who to turn to in order to ask for donations. She felt even more guilt taking money from people who just willingly gives it, but at least they will have the security knowing that the money will go toward the families of the fallen. There was something she would have to come across eventually, and she was scared to death of Amy finding out. It was something that she had tucked away so deep in the corners of her mind, she’d hope she’d forget. 

Therapy had brought that memory back. One of the soldiers in her unit that was executed had been a past lover of hers and that’s what made this difficult the most. They weren’t girlfriends, but Rosa did have feelings for her, but because she was a superior officer, Rosa couldn’t do anything about them. Truth be known, it was probably the underlying reason that Rosa was so scared to take things further with Amy.


	6. A Plan In Motion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rosa tries to figure out how she can raise money for the families of those who were killed in Iraq. After, Rosa admits something to Amy that she has been wanting to tell her for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay on my fics. I've recently gained inspiration back so I hope to be writing regularly again. :) ♡ Hope y'all enjoy this chapter and stay safe out there.

The smell of bitter coffee always made Rosa feel at home. It has been two months since she and Amy first started seeing each other on a weekly basis. Eventually, it had become nighty. She wasn’t exactly sure how to feel about having someone constantly there at her apartment, but Rosa was enjoying Amy’s company. A lot of times, she had been her saving grace. She had woken her from terrible nightmares countless times and Rosa feels she is more or less a security blanket. If Amy hadn’t been around, Rosa felt completely lost for the most part. 

“Here you go babe,” said the soft voice as she sat down next to Rosa on the familiar lumpy couch sitting in the back corner of the cafe. Taking the cup, Rosa clasps her hands around it and feels the warmth spread through the tips of her fingers. She gives Amy a smile as she tugs on the girl’s apron. “I see you’re doing work for your charity event.” She leans over the back of the couch to gaze at the paperwork sprawled out in an unorganized fashion. “Any luck so far getting donations?” Rosa didn’t know how to even start up a charity. 

The only thing she can think of is getting some kind of help from her military friends. That had been the last thing she wanted to do. She didn’t want them involved nor did she ever want her former colleagues to look at her differently when she finally comes out to them as a deserter, and more importantly a coward. “No. I don’t know who to turn to. If the military finds out, I won’t be able to put this event into action if I’m court martialed. They can’t know unless I have a decent amount of donations to impress them. If I impress them, I may get a small window.” 

Amy sighs, eyeing all of the information that Rosa had come up with or lack thereof. She felt guilty she couldn’t do more to help. She had already spoken to her manager about using the cafe as a place to hold the event and he had allowed them to use it. It was a start, but they were never going to get anywhere without the funds to help those families that are still suffering. She slides a hand to Rosa’s shoulder and gives it a comforting squeeze. “You’re a good person, Rosa. I’m sure the money will eventually turn up. I have to get back to work.” Amy leans down to the point where Rosa could smell her perfume and she feels soft lips against her cheek. 

A small smile crept up on Rosa’s face as she watched Amy move back behind the counter across the room. When she looked back down at the work she was doing, she could feel her phone vibrating around in her leather jacket pocket. It was Jake. “Hey,” she answered. They spoke for a few minutes, talking about the charity event that she had roped him into help doing with her. She takes a sip of coffee and explains her situation about the donations. Jake seemed to have a pretty solid plan about how they could get a bunch of donations in a short amount of time, but Rosa was concerned about it. 

“A community car wash?” Rosa arched a curious brow in response. “I don’t know. Don’t see how that would get a lot of donations.” She wasn’t sure, until Jake explained how it would be a bunch of police officers doing the car washing. _’Just picture it Rosa,’_ she could hear Jake’s excited voice on the other line explaining how there would be men and women lining up to have their cars washed and cleaned out by sexy and hunky police officers and all Rosa could do was slam the palm of her hand to her forehead. 

“Jake, no. We’re not doing that. I swear to god if you do this…” her words were interrupted by a high pitched _’we’ll see about it, byeee!’_ and the conversation ended. She let out a massive groan that earned her a few interesting looks. There would be no way she would be caught doing something as outrageous as a sexy community car wash. When she first met Captain Holt, she didn’t think he would have approved of it anyway. He seemed like a nice guy, but stern and fair.

Three cups of coffee later, Rosa was beginning to feel a little stir crazy sitting around. The fruits of what labor she was producing had become spoiled and the caffeine in her system was starting to put her into overdrive. Maybe she should go for a run? She finishes up her coffee and gathers up the papers in a neat stack before sticking them into a folder in her briefcase. She stands, slinging the strap around her neck and tosses her cup away before heading to the front of the counter to see Amy before she leaves. “Hey,” she says. “I’m going to go for a run before heading home. I’ll see you for dinner? My apartment. It’s my turn to cook.” 

Amy smiles whilst mixing ingredients into a cinnamon mocha latte and nods over her shoulder. She hands the drink over to the customer and gives Rosa a little wink. “Sounds like a plan to me. See you then. I can’t wait to try your cooking for once.” Rosa had never told Amy she was pretty decent when it came to cooking, it’s just recently her depression had gotten the better of her and she had been less motivated to eat at home. She became sloppy with all of it, but ever since Amy came into her life, she has been slowly coming around again with the things she enjoyed doing before the darkness took hold of her.

She heads home immediately after to change into her military physical training outfit. It was the simple olive green shirt that said ARMY in blocky lettering and a pair of shorts. Spring was here, so it had still been cool some days, but today had been particularly warm. She was glad to be able to get out and do something instead of being cooped up inside the apartment or at Amy’s for the last month or so. She smiles to herself, messing with the settings on her fitbit. A quick warmup of jogging in place and jumping jacks already had her heart racing, so she was more than ready to jog a mile or two to sweat out what frustration she had been keeping pent up.

Exercise normally helped her and she was grateful for that tool. After the last set of jumping jacks, she breathed out quickly before grabbing a bottle of cold water from the fridge to take with her. She slides all of the little things into a drawstring bag before heading out the door. She thought about running through Prospect Park. With a hair tie in hand, she pulls up the mess of dark curls into a tight ponytail so they would stay out of her face and takes off on a light jog with music blaring in her ears. It was a nice distraction from reality even though she was still thinking about what she needed to be doing in the back of her mind. 

How was she going to come up with the money? What would the charity consist of? The money would go to the families, of course, but where exactly would that money come from without causing a commotion. Rosa didn’t want people to think less of her because she had deserted them. She is trying to right that wrong she had made years ago but it might be too late. She doesn’t even know if the families of those people would even show up to accept the money or even hear her apology. _What would I even say?_ Rosa still had no idea. Her mind was racing as quickly as her feet hit the pavement.

She was twenty minutes into the run and she stopped for a moment to catch her breath. Rosa sighs, feeling beads of sweat drip from every little pore on her face. Looking over, she sees a small bakery and gets a small idea to maybe use the coffee shop Amy works at as a way to donate. She wasn’t the best baker, but she could possibly convince Amy’s manager to let her have a bake sale. “That could work. It’s better than some degrading car wash.” Hell, maybe Jake even knew some people that were excellent bakers or knew about food in general and could attempt to help?

-S-

Later that night, Rosa was more than exhausted and glad to be home. She was excited about her idea and even Amy seemed pleased with the results. She also mentioned the ridiculous car wash idea her buddy had in mind and it made Amy giggle. “Someone has been watching too much Baywatch.” Either way, Amy’s mind somehow formed that idea into her head and began to picture Rosa in nothing but a soaking wet tshirt on a hot day washing a car. “So, you _did_ decline his idea?” Rosa looks over at her, groaning softly. 

“Yes,” she replied.

“That’s a shame.” Amy muttered.

“What?” 

_”What?”_

The two sit there for a second and both start laughing. It was an awkward moment, but Rosa is slowly starting to understand what it’s like to be flirted with and admired, even if it’s from a sexual perspective. She didn’t mind being desired that way, especially if it was Amy. They sat there together, curled up on the couch watching tv, their stomachs filled with fried eggs, french fries and spiced jamon. It was a simple meal to make, but she knew Amy would have a hard time making it. She appreciated Amy’s cooking, but she offered to do it for the time being. 

Rosa shifted in her spot as she pulled the blanket up around them and Amy leaned in closer, feeling a toned arm wrap around her. It was a quiet evening and that is what Rosa enjoyed the most about these times spending with her girlfriend. It’s hard to believe they’ve been dating for a couple months now and they haven't even become intimate. For now, Rosa didn’t think it was needed, but she could tell Amy was becoming more open to feeling that way. She was far more touchy, but at least it was always asked with consent before she tried anything. 

Amy would give Rosa a particular look and she knew what it was. Everything was so new to her, asking for consent is the same way. So, coming out and asking was just as hard as saying it was okay. She would confirm Amy’s look with a subtle nod and it would continue from there. 

As awkward as it was, Rosa still enjoyed it. It was hard to explain because she hadn’t felt this kind of affection since she was overseas. “Your hands are clammy,” whispered Amy with a small smile as she took her fingers and threaded them with Rosa’s. 

“It’s stuffy in here. That’s all,” Rosa said and cleared her throat. “It’s pretty normal.”

She knew Rosa was fibbing, but it was her own defense mechanism when she was vulnerable. Stating that everything was okay, when it wasn’t was something that Rosa did quite often when they were put in close quarters together. Amy sighs, and leans over to whisper something in Rosa’s ear. She was too embarrassed to say it outloud even though they were the only two in the entire apartment. “You what?” Rosa asked, swallowing hard. She nods carefully, unsure of the outcome of this night and feels lips touch the skin around her neck. 

Rosa leans her head back, providing Amy with the amount of space she required to explore the nook of her neck. It was a nice feeling. It was ticklish, light, and made Rosa’s stomach do flips in all different directions. “Ames,” she mumbled. She knew Amy wanted to go further, but was Rosa ready? She hadn’t even told Amy she loved her yet and Rosa was having a harder time deciding when the right time was. How do people decide? Does it just come out? Do you need to be prepared for it? Rosa’s heart panicked because she knew she loved Amy, but was it too soon? She didn’t want to ruin this by not saying it sooner or later. 

If it had been much later, maybe Amy would have lost interest in her? If it was sooner, what if she had scared her off? Fucking hell. Why is it never easy? Rosa closes her eyes to enjoy the sensation and she feels hands creep to her stomach and up under her shirt. For a moment, she ignores it, knowing Amy just wanted to have that skin on skin contact, but an array of images flashed in her head. _Why now?_ Rosa thought as she heard the explosions erupt in her mind and the haunting screams return. They always come for her when she is feeling the slightest bit of happiness. To her, they knew she didn’t deserve it.

_Rosa…_

The voice of her former partner echoed in her head which forced Rosa to back away from Amy as if what she was doing was wrong. She was never going to get any sort of closure until she is able to move forward with these families. “Rosa,” Amy said and sat back. “I’m sorry. I can stop.” Rosa places a hand on her arm and gives her a soft kiss, and shakes her head. She didn’t want Amy to stop nor did she want these voices to keep controlling her life. 

“It’s not your fault. The same memories keep replaying over and over,” explained Rosa as she laid her head down in Amy’s lap and stared up into concerned eyes. “I want to be intimate with you, Amy.” The words surprise Amy and she feels her face burn red. However, she is smiling because of Rosa's confession since she had no idea this woman desired to be this way with her. She never really expressed interest before until now, but it seemed like Rosa was trying.

“You don’t have to. Not until you’re ready,” said Amy and tucks a few strands of dark curls behind Rosa’s ears. “I’m sorry I keep pushing it on you. I know you’re still suffering, but I care about you. I just want you to feel good for once.”

“I always feel good when I’m with you,” said Rosa with a small smile before wrapping her arms around Amy’s waist. “You don’t have to feel sorry for anything. I know you’re trying to help and I appreciate it. You’ve done so much more for me and I’m so grateful.”

“I don’t think I’ve done anything special,” said Amy in disbelief. 

“In ways, you’ve saved me. I was sinking lower and lower into depression before I met you.” Rosa explains and closes her eyes. “Just your very existence proves to be a powerful remedy.” Amy could feel herself becoming emotional for the things Rosa is saying to her, even though she doesn’t believe a single bit of what she’s saying. 

“You’re such a dork,” said Amy as she leans down to kiss Rosa who was staring up at her with these eyes full of compassion and more importantly love. 

Even though the conversation had gone a lot smoother than she realized, Rosa was still having a hard time trying to say those three little words that meant a great deal to her. Amy was perfect in every single way despite being slightly disorganized in some cases. Rosa had gone and fixed her financial issues by organizing her paperwork and keeping tabs on all the expensive items she had bought for her apartment. Amy was special to her and she didn’t care if she had worked at a cafe for a living. None of that mattered to her. 

"Amy, I've been meaning to tell you something for a while." Rosa opens her eyes, feeling hesitant about saying it. Now was a good as time as any because the tone of the conversation made her aware that saying it would be okay. She is bracing herself for Amy's reaction, knowing what it might be. If she wanted to become intimate with her just as much as Rosa did, then love was the only option. Amy is giving her her undivided attention even though her eyes shift upward to catch glimpses of the documentary they were watching. 

With a sharp inhale, she swallows before admitting her feelings. "I love you, Amy Santiago." Her heart is scrambling quickly to get a hold of itself. It felt the fear regardless, but it eventually settled when lips connect with her own.


	7. Honoring The Fallen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rosa holds a charity event in honor of the victims from her unit.

“So, do you think this is a good turn out?” 

The sound of Amy’s voice filled Rosa’s ears as observing eyes searched the little cafe. Amy had convinced the cafe owner to hold a bake sale for a way to bring in donations to the fallen heroes from Rosa’s unit. He seemed overly enthusiastic about it and he rented the space out of them for virtually free. There was a bit of success when she saw fifty different families enjoying the baked goods and ready made coffee that was constantly brewed. Rosa assumed that it was good business even if it didn’t cost him a dime except the labor from his employees.

Rosa shrugs her shoulders, unsure how much of the donation money was really required for the families. She wanted to make a decent impression despite what had happened. “I think so. I don’t think we have enough.” Amy sighs and places a comforting hand on Rosa’s shoulder before she places several mugs of coffee on a tray for a table nearby. With all of the donations, and the mini games for people to partake in that could win prizes, Rosa still fell short of a few hundred bucks to give to the families. 

_They probably don’t even want money, but it’s something._ thought Rosa as she took a seat down at the table that had been placed near the front of the cafe. Everyone was in good spirits and soon Rosa would have to make a speech. Only two families of the fifteen soldiers that were slaughtered had shown their faces and Rosa has yet to approach them. They knew what this event was for, but she couldn’t tell how they felt about it since their faces were expressed with a fixated scowls whilst enjoying a blueberry muffin.

Once everything had been running smoothly, Rosa looked up from the fat wad of cash that she had been counting to see a smiling Peralta and a few of his coworkers tailing behind him. “Jake,” said Rosa as she stood and the two friends embraced briefly before she stood firm to see Captain Holt who had joined them. “Captain. I’m glad you all could make it.” This is the second time she’s only met Holt, but he never failed to intimidate her in some way or another. 

“Relax, soldier.” Holt said with a hearty chuckle. “No need for formalities.” His eyes scan the little cafe that was packed full of patrons and supporters, seeing that there was a little tension in the air from the families that had been there, but otherwise fairly positive energy. “Peralta, go reserve a table.” As the younger officer nods, Holt pulls out his checkbook and Rosa is staring at him with wide eyes. He didn’t have to donate. She actually wasn’t forcing anyone too. All of these people can show up and just enjoy the tasty snacks and delicious coffee, but there were a few good souls out there.

Rosa shakes her head when she is handed a blank check with his signature. “Sir, I can’t take this.”

Holt waved away her worries and told her to meet the needs of the families with the appropriate amount. It made her feel guilty, but apparently it was something Holt had been wanting to do. It was his way of providing for the community. “It’s on me. I know how it is when you’re stuck in a situation you can barely crawl yourself out from. You’re a good person, Diaz. Take this as the light at the end of the tunnel.” He smiles, giving the soldier a wink. Rosa didn’t want to put a cent down on the check unless she knew it was okay to.

The man was generous as he was compassionate for the people of this city. That much Rosa cna see. She takes the check in her hand and sighs, sliding back down in the chair. She is completely flabbergasted at the donation offer. A familiar presence stepped up behind her and wraps arms down around her neck. The contact makes Rosa tense slightly before she realizes it had been Amy and she relaxes again, taking a hand and placing it over the woman’s arm. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Amy whispers as she gives Rosa a quick kiss on her cheek.

“It’s alright,” said Rosa. “I’m just figuring out why my friend’s boss just handed me a blank check for a donation.”

Amy’s eyes grow as she takes it in her hand. She flips it over, examining every inch of it to make sure it had been a _real_ check. You just never know about someone, but she didn’t know why a police officer would write a fake check for. In a bewildered tone, Amy asks, “this is a real thing right?” She hands the check back to Rosa and the soldier nods surely. The real question here is, how much is she going to put down without making her seem like she’s taking advantage? That was one thing she was trying to avoid.

“I just need enough for the families,” said Rosa earnestly.

“Wasn’t the goal $2,000 this round?” Amy asks as she glanced at the donation box which had a fair amount of cash inside.

“Yeah,” Rosa replied. “We need two hundred, but I don’t want to take the man’s money like this.”

“Isn’t that what a donation is though?”

“Mmhm, but it will be the biggest one we’ve received,” said Rosa as she takes the clipboard with all of the names from people who have donated and tries to compare the amounts. The guilt is surreal. She didn’t know why she had to feel guilty about a donation so big, but that must be due to her independence. This whole charity event had been weighing on her from the moment it started simply because she had issues asking for help. Even her therapist had gone over the many reasons why that is so but it was because of her military career. 

To Rosa, asking for help is a sign of weakness or at least it was before she met Amy. Even before her military career, her family was deeply rooted with the concept that any sign of weakness should be eradicated once it made its home. Her therapist had been the first real help she had been through since the time of the incident and it has definitely taken a toll on her mentally which led to physical exhaustion. “I have to give this back to him.” Rosa stands on her feet in attempt, even though Amy is trying to persuade her it’s a donation for a reason. Nothing was going to change her mind about it.

“Rosa,” said Amy. “Why don’t you just ask him what price range is appropriate?”

“Because money gives someone independence. He’ll refuse to say a price which is why he gave it to me blank in the first place.” Rosa explained as her eyes watched Jake and Holt talk with each other over a cup of coffee. She would have to give a speech (well, more like an apology) soon. She needs to mingle with these supports personally beforehand so that would take some time. With a heavy sigh, she retrieves the donation box and locks it up tightly with the check laying inside safely.

Amy looks at Rosa and tucks a few curly strands of hair behind the woman’s ears. “You’re an amazing person, you know that?” Rosa smiles, because it was nearly impossible not to smile in front of someone so beautiful and perfect in her eyes. Amy was the glue that held herself together and the one person that kept her grounded. She takes Amy’s hand and kisses it gently before taking the money into the back storage room for safe keeping. Rosa returns moments later, taking a cup of fresh coffee off of a tray sitting on the counter and a freshly baked muffin.

Joining her, Amy smiles and takes off her apron. For the time being, she was caught up with everything that she needed to do, so a short break in between shifts had been something she was needing. She threads an arm through Rosa’s as they go around the cafe, talking and chatting amongst the patrons she knew well and didn’t know at all. “Isn’t that one of the families?” Amy asked in a whisper and Rosa leaned in slightly. She swallows, feeling anxiety bubble deep in her chest. Sometimes it has been overwhelming, but lately she has been getting a grasp on the concept that things happen for a reason.

“Yeah. I should go talk to them.” Rosa insisted. It would have been rude of her if she didn’t. She groans to herself, but the little squeeze that Amy gave around her arm gave her enough confidence to push through it. She walks over, taking a generous sip of coffee before coming up on the conversation that was about the man in her platoon. The two older people turn to see Rosa and she extends her hand out to them. “Sergeant Rosa Diaz. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” They didn’t sneer. The parents of the young man in her unit seemed to be rather pleased with the pouring outcome of support after what had happened.

They only smiled, hearing the name and becoming familiar with it. The woman, which she only assumed was the mother, wore a locket with her son’s picture framed inside it. It was rather sweet, but that nagging guilt kept eating away at the back of Rosa’s mind. “It’s nice to meet you, sweetie.” The woman said, taking Rosa’s hand and patting it gently. “I can’t imagine what it was like over there. My son talked highly about you.” And there it was again. Another pang of guilt hit her hard. She didn’t know that others in her unit had looked up to her, but knowing this information made it that much more her responsibility to make sure the families were taken care of.  
  
“Thank you. Your son was a good friend of mine. He was a jokester of sorts.” Rosa said with a little laugh. They chuckled, knowing well enough that that was part of his personality. It was quite surreal talking with the family, but Rosa was easing herself into the situation further and further until it became tolerable to handle. Rosa sighs heavily when the two walk away to chat with others and enjoy the fresh coffee. At least it was more positive vibes than anything. Amy smiles, stroking Rosa’s back as subtle “well done”. She was glad that Amy was beside her though this. She didn’t know if she would have been able to do this without her.

It wasn’t as bad as she thought it was going to be, but the real test would have to be her speech. The couple whose child perished in that senseless slaughter was the main source of Rosa’s anxiety. Their child was a woman who Rosa had been acquainted with for a long time and she wanted so much to speak with them, but to this moment she is having a hard time pushing herself forward. It was the same woman that Rosa had so-called ‘brainwashed’ into lusting after her during those times overseas. It was something her parents weren’t exactly thrilled to hear about (due to being heavily religious), but here they were right before Rosa’s eyes.

“It’s not so bad is it?” asked Amy as she laced her fingers gently with Rosa’s who was happy to receive all the affection she was getting. 

“No, but there’s still a couple families here that I’m not really keen on speaking with yet.” Rosa admitted quietly. “Maybe after my speech.” Rosa never prepared for a speech, so right at the get-go she was going to speak from her heart. She was about to give it in just twenty minutes, but before she was getting herself prepared, her mind drew a huge blank when the two people she didn’t want to speak with came forward to introduce themselves in a proper, posh manner. Their faces looked rough around the edges, like sleep was hard to come by. 

Rosa felt sympathy for them, but the moment their eyes locked onto her like a heat-seeking missile whistling through the air, the negative feeling flustered. “Miss Diaz.”

“Mr. Lombardi, Mrs. Lombardi.” Rosa says simply with a little nod to each of them.

“This is a nice outcome,” Mr. Lombardi said as his eyes peel away the layers of the little establishment looking for any kind of flaws that he could point out. It was his natural way of taking control. Rosa stood there, feeling her bones becoming stiff as she tried to catch her breath in her throat. “I’m not going to deny the fact that you twisted my daughter into something that she wasn’t, but... I admit that this is nice of you for what you’ve done. It’s made up for a lot of grief that my family has experienced.” 

“T-Thank you, Mr. Lombardi.” Rosa said. She felt like she was standing at attention speaking with the high ranking Major in the military or that it was her first day at the academy and how nervous she was. Mr. Lombardi nodded, but the wife didn’t seem very interested in what Rosa had to say nor what she was doing for them and the rest of the families. Rosa knew there was always going to be people like that, but she had to respect them despite the accusations that had been thrown at her in the past by those two. They did despise each other, but thankfully things were kept in a civil manner.

It felt like Rosa was holding her breath, being swallowed by an angry ocean. She felt like she was drowning in all of those unearthed feelings. Still, there was a long way to go before she could do anything remotely to bring justice to them, she is trying right now more than ever to make up for her cowardly act. Rosa takes in a deep breath and turns to Amy and pulls her into an embrace. “I can see why you feel the way you do,” said Amy. “You’re strong and brave, Rosa. They don’t see it right now, but you’re only doing what you can for something that happened that was out of your hands.”

These little pep talks Amy gives her usually helped, but Rosa couldn’t hold in her emotions. For a moment, she buried her face into Amy’s shoulder, clasping her arms tightly around the woman as if she was going to lose her. “I’ll have to explain what that was about at a later time,” mumbled Rosa. “I don’t want to hide anything anymore from you.” Amy nods her head, running her fingers through thick curls. She sees Rosa’s friend, Jake, looking in their direction and he mouths something to Amy as if he was asking if she’s okay. Amy nods in response from across the room and continues to console Rosa until she’s able to get up in front of these people.

Once everyone was seated, enjoying their coffee and baked treats, it was Captain Holt who had offered to take the mic first to say a few words. It was his way of introducing Rosa to the crowd without making her feel vulnerable standing up there by herself. “I haven’t known her for long,” he continued, “but I can tell that Sergeant Diaz is a hard worker with a moral compass which is as sturdy and grounded as a two hundred year old redwood.” Rosa can feel her cheeks heat up with embarrassment, but Amy shoves the woman forward with a little energetic push. 

There is a soft applause that built up when Rosa stepped up on the little stage that was usually reserved for live music. Rosa takes the mic from Holt and she smiles at the man. He has done enough already with the check he had given, but the compliments like that had gone too far in her opinion. She smiles, shaking her head. “Thank you, Captain. I appreciate it.” Rosa’s voice comes through the speakers loud and clear and everyone’s eyes are looking right at her. Right now, she has control of her anxiety even though public speaking was horrible. She would still rather face this than be where she was several months ago.

“I want to thank you all for coming today. With all of your help we raised over $2000 for the families of my platoon. We’re far from being done though. There’s plans in the works later on in the year to help give counseling to those who need it. These people were not just my friends, but they were family. We treated each other like brothers and sisters. We had each other’s backs until the very end, but I do have to have to admit something to be able to move on.” White blotches appeared on Rosa’s knuckles from gripping the mic too hard, but she was able to continue on. “I’m not brave like my brothers and sisters were. I should have stayed. I should have done something more that day, but survival kicked in and I ran like a coward. I’m not a war hero. I don’t deserve your praise. Instead, give it to those soldiers who lost their lives. They were the brave souls who deserve everything and more.”

Amy is looking at Rosa with a crestfallen expression. She was sad for the soldiers that Rosa knew, but her heart was hurting for Rosa the most. Rosa didn’t have to do any of this, but she was right to do this because she wouldn’t be able to move on if she hadn’t. To Rosa, it had been a selfish gesture, but Amy thought it was more admirable than anything to be able to give back to the families and those loved ones. She listens to Rosa as she goes into detail about that fateful day and how she was captured hours later in the sweltering desert heat. Amy thought Rosa was extremely hard on herself because she is doing enough for what she can. 

That is something she is going to constantly remind her. It may not seem like much to anyone else, but it was enough at the time to ease Rosa’s troubled mind.


End file.
